America is the country where everybody believes they have a redemptive plan for everybody else, including Christians. And somehow Christians feel like they have let the world down, have let God down, if they don’t meet their vision for the redemption of reality—whether it’s in politics or in relationships. For example, why is it that that segment of evangelical Christianity which puts the highest value and premium, the most effort and investment, into preserving family and marriage has the most dysfunctional families and the most divorces? Is it because they don’t put enough effort into it? Is it because they’re hypocrites? Or is it because they overidealize it? We overidealize everything. I think we need a little less idealism in this country because idealism very often leads to narcissism. And we have a real problem with narcissism the last two generations. The current generation, which is supposed to be the most idealistic generation since the sixties—the boomers were very idealistic—is, I think, one of the most narcissistic generations. It doesn’t have any sense of reality; it doesn’t have any sense of proportion. Neither did my generation; we just had a lot of bumps and hard knocks, and we finally learned, and we kind of went the other way. We need to learn balance. We need to learn how to respond appropriately in the situation in which we find ourselves.

-carl raschke in an interview with the other journal

don't fight to win, fight to solve.

i know some people will shout out "sexism!" for this article, but i think it makes a great point. and it's something i've seen happen with my own eyes. there's a need to be forthcoming, open and honest in relationships. if you're not, don't be surprised when they fail.

I first heard it from attorneys who typically represent men in a divorce. I then began to see it in the cases that came before me. I remember the attorney who first mentioned it to me some ten years ago, he leaned back in his chair at a conference on divorce and said, "It never ceases to amaze me how many men come to me with their jaws on the floor saying they never saw it coming."

Now, I am witnessing it in my own social circles. All around me long-term marriages are coming to an end. And as the studies show many of those jumping ship are women.

Not only am I seeing a rash of fleeing women all around me, I also see what I first ascertained years ago: That a fairly significant number of men--especially in longer term marriages--never saw their divorces coming. There was, they say, no warning, no build up, no escalating tensions, just an unexpected, non-negotiable and seemingly unprovoked decision to leave.

Of course, this is not the norm. Most marriages careen into a ditch after traversing a noticeably bumpy road. Likewise, there are women who are surprised when their husbands decide to leave, but what I am talking about here is that not-so-small group of guys who are caught flat footed by their wives sudden and seemingly unexplained departure.

As with everything involved with the human condition, there is no one reason for any trend. But after having witnessed it from the bench and in my own backyard and from reading what I can, I do see one common mistake both men and women are making that seems to rear its head in a number of these unexpected abandonment cases. I mention it here because I think it ends some very salvageable marriages.

I call it "The False Okay." I think a lot of women tell the very same lie for years on end. They say "okay" when they don't mean it. They tell their husbands, "everything's fine," even when it's not. "Keeping the peace" is what they call it. They are, they tell me, getting through the day. It is all about the argument they simply do not want to have.

I think there is a whole group of women out there who don't do well with conflict. They are the ones with a happy husband because he always gets what he wants and she doesn't seem to mind. But what he doesn't see are all of the collected hurts stored up in her emotional closet. Not because she doesn't ever get what she wants but because that lopsided equation makes her feel unloved.

The next thing you know, the kids are gone, as is her best reason to put up with it. The sad thing is he doesn't know there is a problem and she doesn't know how to change the script. "This is who he is," she thinks, "a guy who doesn't care at all about my needs and wishes."

I hear it all of the time. She's sick of being the giver. Sick of being unappreciated. It is not a sexy cause, because both parties bear some blame. It is not the only cause. But it is the one I hear most often when there is an unexpected departure by a woman later in the marriage. She thinks getting her needs heard, not to mention met, is a hopeless thing.

So she goes.

Lynn Toler (male, divorce court judge)

‎"we see the world not as something to react to, but as something to impact." - dr. debbie cherry in the strong-willed wife: using your personality to honor God and your husband

this book has helped me immensely and offers an in-depth view of Biblical submission in marriage that most churches don't teach and don't bother to understand. rather than viewing a strong-willed, intelligent, capable woman as deviant, it acknowledges that God gives women those traits(not just men... whoa, what?). They can be used appropriately and as God intended, repressed, or used to be manipulative and angry. With that insight, Dr. Cherry delves into the world of women who aren't content to be a doorstop, while still desiring to be a woman of God and wife that Christ intended. She doesn't shy away from difficult topics. She will say things you don't want to hear. But she will also affirm (with scripture to back it up!) that you're not sinful for having an opinion.

“Love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved.”
— Carson McCullers

what's that? would i like to buy movie theater seats for my living room? why yes, yes i would.

yes, we went as calvin and hobbes for halloween.

can i say how hard it is to find orange tiger tails and ears? everything is for white tigers, sexy black cats, or leopards.

also, i wore the ears with street clothes the following day and was interrogated by the gas station attendant where the rest of my "hot cheetah" costume was.

i really, really wanted to slide on some old school ray bans. it's not easy, bein cheesy.